


Renacer

by rebelcheese



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst and Tragedy, Gen, Healing, Revenge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-21 05:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9532964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelcheese/pseuds/rebelcheese
Summary: On the night of Naruto's birth, his mother, Kushina Uzumaki, somehow, mysteriously, survives the night with the Nine-Tails still trapped inside her. However, in its wake was a tragedy just as great, if not worse, than the one that happened in the tale we all know.Now, years after the tragedy, Kushina discovers she must return to her village. And it is just in time too, as Konoha is about to weather a series of the greatest crises in its history. But will the village accept her return? And, more importantly, will her son, once he finds out the truth?In a tale of a changed destiny, Kushina is now the hero of the Naruto story. But first she must save herself, and her best friend Mikoto, before she can become the hero that Konoha needs...





	1. The Forsaken Leaf

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost/rewrite of an old fic I once had going. It got a really mixed response due to it working in darker themes than many people are accustomed to than Naruto, as I wrote the story as a josei/seinen than shojo/shonen. 
> 
> I hope people enjoy it. At the same time, despite the rewrite and addition I've made to the first chapter, I can't help but wonder if the first chapter is still this story's bane. A significant theme is, well... you're about to read for yourself.

### Chapter One: Forsaken Leaf

I smell blood.

I'm in so much pain. Everything's a blur. Did I just wake up or something? What happened?

It's dark. If it weren't for the moon and stars I'd swear I was still asleep.

No, no. Focus. _Focus_.

My son.

All of this has to do with my son. And my husband.

Why am I smelling blood?

Come on. Come on. Get up. What's going on? Why's this weight on me? Where is everybody? Why do I hear flames in the distance?

This shouldn't be happening. Something's gone wrong.

Horribly wrong.

 _Get up_!

I struggle to my feet, shoving the huge lump on me off of my stomach, and the pain in my waist, around my womb, is so staggering that I want to bend over immediately and fall to my knees. It hurts. It hurts so _much_. The blurs in my vision become even more distorted, a darkened canvas of shapeless color, with red and brown and orange and black.

And the scent of blood.

Something in me _hungers_ for it.

Why?

No, I know why. Stop being stupid.

It's the Nine-Tailed Fox demon that’s sealed inside me. It's always craved blood. It’s merely something I’ve been able to ignore for the last few years. I've kept it all at bay, because of… because of...

 _Minato_!

My husband!

Where is he?

My voice is weak, hoarse. "Minato? Minato! Where are you? What's going-aah!"

I trip and fall over a fleshy lump, on to my hands and knees. The pain in my abdomen is so much I want to black out. Maybe that's what happened to me to begin with. I blacked out and collapsed. I can’t let that happen to me again, not right after I woke up.

Oh God. Please don't tell me that's Minato I just tripped over.

I turn around, clutching my waist which feels like it's going to split open any second. It's just a man. A man whose face I don't know, remnants of a broken white mask on his face, his eyes lifeless and staring above at the night sky.

He's one of the ANBU Black Ops. One of Konoha’s elite. 

What's he doing here?

And why's he dead?

No, no, _remember_! He was here to guard me! He was one of many! He was here to guard me because...

 _Naruto_!

My son! My baby!

Where is he? Why don't I hear him crying?

"Naruto! Naruto!"

Where is he? Why isn't he crying? He should be crying somewhere.

Don't tell me he's dead. Oh no. Don't tell me whoever did this killed my son. Not right after he was born.

No. No. No.

"Kushina . . ."

Minato's voice. Weak, soft. From my right. I turn around, and there he is, trying to sit up among a sea of ANBU carcasses. His handsome, kind face is bruised, and blood trickles from his mouth and nose. His left hand is in the air, trying to wave to me.

"Minato!"

I stagger over to him. I nearly trip over another ANBU body but I barely keep myself upright. I have to stay upright. Minato's hurt. He's _really_ hurt. I can tell even in this darkness, even though my vision still hasn't completely come back. He's hurt so horrifically . . .

No. No. I won't consider it.

He's the Fourth Hokage. The leader of the village.

He _can't_. Not on me. Not on Konoha.

Not on his newborn son.

Naruto. Naruto, where is he?

"Minato! Minato, what happened?"

"Kushina..." His whole body flops to the ground as he sees me. It doesn't take more than a quick glance to see that the arm he had raised was broken at both the elbow and the shoulder. The pain just to raise that arm had to have been _excruciating_. And his other arm... his other arm...

It's gone.

His right arm is _gone_. Severed at the elbow tendon. "Minato! What happened? Minato!" I can't come up with anything to say. Minato, he's _dying_! He's just laying here, beaten and ripped apart!

I can already piece together what's happened, but I can't believe it. I just can't! The whole reason why we picked a remote location for Naruto’s birth was so _this wouldn't happen_!

"They... their plan was to get the Nine-Tails," Minato manages. His youthful, brave voice is distorted, nasal, from all of the blood. He sounds like he may have a collapsed lung. His injuries are serious. Maybe even mortal-no, I won’t consider it! I can’t!

"The Nine-Tails?" I lift up my tunic, and the seal keeping the demon inside is still there. It looks different, sloppy, but it's there. Not that there was much doubt in my mind. I can _feel_ the Nine Tails' hateful craving for blood, for violence. It's still in here with me.

"Yes, but... they didn't get it. I stopped them, and restored the seal myself... the best I could anyway," he says, trying to grin despite all of his pain.

"I'll go get some help, Minato. Just hang on. I'll get help! There's gotta be somebody else still alive!"

"No . . . they got Naruto," Minato replies.

"They _what_?" No. No. That's even worse. They didn't just injure my husband, they took my _son_? Why?

"They got Naruto instead. They're using him… as a hostage... They went west... Please save him." Minato replies.

He's fading. He's fading right in front of me. His eyes are starting to close, and his body's going limp.

No. No, no, no. No!

I reach my arms underneath his head and shoulders and try to support him. He has to hold on! He has to! "Minato, don't do this to me! Don't die! Don't die!"

"Kushina... please remember... that..."

He's out of breath. He's not breathing anymore.

"Minato! Please! I love you! Don't die!"

There's a soft cough coming from his mouth, and then his eyes partially close, his head leaning to the left, completely limp.

"Minato! Minato!"

I bring his head to my chest and I can't stop them. I can't stop the tears. My husband. My _husband_ is dead.

Why? Why?

Because of the fox demon? He had to die because of the Nine-Tails?

And my son...

My son!

"I'll save Naruto. I will, Minato. I'll save him. I'll save him."

I can feel it. The anger. The rage.

All of it. It's rising in me.

And I don't care anymore.

I look up at the starry night, that empty, useless, starry night with the trees obscuring so much of the poignant beauty . . .

And scream.

And scream.

And _scream _._ _

_\----------_

 __I can smell them.__

_They smell hideous._

_I can smell their sweat and their grime and their they were wounded by Minato and the ANBU. They put up a fight._

_Naruto. Naruto. He better still be alive. How dare they touch him. How dare they take him away from me!_

_My baby. My beautiful baby, whose eyes I haven't gotten to see yet, whose cries I haven't been able to hear yet._

_How dare they do this!_

I'll kill them! I'll kill them all!

_They had no right to do this!_

I'll rip them apart!

_I'm growling. I know I am. I know the Nine-Tails is raging inside me and desperately wants control. It's taking every single bit of the willpower I have to not let it take any further control._

_I have to... I have to keep my sanity._

_I have to._

_I'll kill Naruto too if I lose control._

_Where are they? Where are they?_

_The smell is getting stronger. The trail is getting fresher._

_Oh, those stupid men._

_Those stupid,_ stupid _men._

_They never thought to cover their tracks._

_They're panicking. That's why they didn't bother to find me._

_That weight on me had been a dead body. Minato or one of the dying ANBU must have done it so they'd either think I'm dead or just couldn't find me in the darkness._

_They._

_That's all they are. "They"._

_They're not human._

_No human would ever do this to a mother and her husband over their baby!_

They are nothing but insects compared to me!

_There they are. I see them._

_Six of them. And one of them is clearly holding my son._

_Bastards._

_I can feel it. My hand is turning more and more like a claw. My skin is starting to peel off. Blood is coming out of me. And it hurts. It all hurts. Like I'm boiling over and shapeshifting into an animal at the same time._

_All I crave is violence._

_And_ I don't care.

_I hear their little insignificant voices. They've spotted me. One of them pulls out a kunai and points it at Naruto's head. I still can't see Naruto's head, they're obscuring it from me, but I know it's him._

_And I know that screaming sound is him crying._

_Naruto is crying._

_He's wailing for me._

_How dare they do this to him._

_How dare they threaten him._

_Threatening my poor baby._

_Die._

_All of these insects must die._

Die!

_I attack the bastard holding Naruto first, leaping from the tree and I put my hand right through the bastard's ugly, stupid, evil skull and plaster its remnant all over the next tree._

_That felt so_ good.

_And my baby. He's still crying. He's still crying for me._

_And_ them _. They're all yelling. Yelling at me, yelling at each other, yelling at Naruto..._

_It doesn't matter._

_They all have to die._

They all have to die!

_And they're pathetic attempts to injure me are meaningless! They can do nothing but sting and annoy me!_

_Die!_

_Now._

_Now._

_The blood._

_Their blood is all over me, boiling away._

_Where's Naruto? I can't hear him anymore._

_Where'd he go? He's just a baby. He can't go anywhere._

_Did they escape?_

_Where am I?_

_Where's Naruto?_

_Stupid forest! Why is it even here?_

_Where are they?_

_Where did he go? Wasn't my baby with those bastards I killed?_

_Where's Naruto?_

_Where is he?_

_Did they kill him?_

_Did they kill my baby?_

_No._

_No._

_This can't be happening!_

_Not him! Not my baby!_

_No!_

I must find him!

_Where?_

_Where is he?_

_Minato is gone, Naruto is gone, everyone is gone, I'm all alone-_

Find him! I must find him-

_Go._

_Any insects who get in my way will die._

_Is this? Is this their village? Have I chased them so far?_

_Oh, they will pay._

_My son._

_They had to have taken my son._

_Pain. Pain. More pain._

_My bones are cracking._

_The trees look smaller._

_Have I gotten bigger?_

_Or has everything gotten smaller?_

_I can't tell._

_Do I even look remotely human anymore?_

_No. Why should I even care about that at this point?_

_Why? They clearly still have my baby!_

Kill them!

_I tear the forest apart tree by tree and charge right to the village. The outer wall looks familiar to me, in this faint way, but I can't tell. I've been to many places in my life._

_And it doesn't matter. They took Naruto here! They must have!_

_If they did not, that means my baby is_ dead.

_If they did that . . . if they did that . . ._

_I'll break all of their buildings, slaughter all of their families, tear the very foundation down until they give me my baby!_

_Die, all of you!_

_You insignificant little_ prey!

_The destruction, starting with the wall that I ram right through like it's nothing. I know I'm destroying. I know I'm causing panic. And that doesn't mean a thing to me._

_Pain. More pain._

_Damn insects! Go away! Leave me alone!_

_Stop stinging me!_  
Go away!

_Where's my baby? Where is he?_

_He's nowhere to be found, he must be dead like Minato-_

_No! He can't!_

_How much do I have to destroy, how many insects do I have to squash, how much prey must be hunted down, until someone gives him to me?_

_Naruto! Naruto!_

_They're screaming. They're all screaming at me. They're so insignificant. So helpless. So pitiful._

_Even their attacks can't stop me. All they do is cause more pain._

_And I don't care._

_They brought it on themselves the moment they took Naruto away from me._

_They deserve it!_

_Pathetic voice after pathetic voice scream at me helplessly as I shatter their lives and their homes. So pathetic. That's such the perfect word for these people._

_Pathetic._

_Worthless._

Prey.

_Get out of my way or die!_

_A baby's cry._

_Is it?_

_It's Naruto's cry. I can tell. I heard his voice when I attacked those bastards before!_

_To my right._

_He's so small._

_The woman holding him is so small. Just a little dark-haired girl or woman._

_So she gets to be my last victim._

_Or maybe just another in a series of victims._

_Maybe I'll just destroy the whole village anyway._

_Why does she look familiar?_

_And her voice. Her smooth, clear voice!_

_What's she saying?_

_Should I care?_

_Kooshana? Kunshira?_

_"Kushina! You have to stop! Now!"_

_Wait. Wiat._

_That voice._

_It's... it's…_

Mikoto!

_Wait, then..._

_The village is..._

_Is..._

_Konoha._

_I..._

_I..._

_What..._

_Oh no._

_Get human. Get human_ now!

Give me back control you infernal beast!

Give the control back to me! Get the hell back inside me!

NOW!

_Pain, pain, so much pain._

_So much cracking. My bones. My muscles. My everything._

_So much screaming._

_Is it... it's my screaming._

_The only screaming now is my own._

_As it... as it..._

_Should be._

\----------

I am nothing but a body on the rocky ground, the strands of my red hair covering part of my eyes as I gaze at the moon and stars, my entire body wracked with incredible pain, my vision blurred with tears.

What have I done?

The village. It's burning. It's ruined.

My village.

My husband's village.

My son's village.

Konoha.

_What have I done?_

Footsteps. From my right.

Crying. My baby's crying.

Naruto.

Naruto.

What have I done, Naruto?

I look towards the sound of my baby's wailing voice, and I try to crawl over to the sound. I feel so weak I have no strength to stand or even sit up. I can only crawl.

They're going to kill me. I know they will. I've betrayed them. I've killed so many of them. I've done so much damage, beyond belief.

I have to make it to Naruto first.

I have to see my baby before they kill me.

Please, just give me the small mercy of seeing my newborn baby before you all kill me for what I've done.

Footsteps. A woman's footsteps. Right in front of me. It has to be Mikoto. She was the one carrying Naruto in the first place.

"Naruto." My voice is so hoarse and weak and pathetic. As it should be.

I force myself to try to stand up. The pain is so excruciating that it takes every worn, burned fiber of my soul to force my body to do something it just plain doesn't want to do.

But I have to.

I have to.

For Naruto.

"My baby," I force myself to say.

"He's right here." It's still Mikoto.

He's cradled in her arms.

"Can I.. can I...?"

"Yes."

She lifts the blanket just enough for me to see him.

His head is covered in blonde fuzz, the same shade as Minato's on his head. He's going to look so much like his amazing father.

And his face contorted into a continuous wail.

My poor baby. My poor son. My poor Naruto.

"It's okay, sweetie," I manage, forcing myself to stagger over to Mikoto. "It's okay. Mommy's here, Naruto."

His wails are already softening. He recognizes my voice. He knows I'm his mother. How can a baby already know that?

"Mommy's here, Naruto. That's your name. Isn't such a beautiful name?"

I'm close enough to touch him, and I rub his forehead softly.

He opens his blue eyes, and seeing them is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

He's so beautiful.

My baby. My beautiful, sweet son.

I kiss him on his forehead. His skin is so fresh and clean. He's so pure right now, untouched by the battle, by my rampage.

Naruto doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve to have a murderer for a mother.

"Mikoto," I manage. "Kill me."

"What?" she asks, clearly taken aback.

I look right at her shocked dark eyes. "Please kill me."

Mikoto's eyes widen. "If I wanted to kill you, you would already be dead! When you changed back, you were a bleeding mess! You needed medical attention on the spot in order to survive! I ordered my clan's medical-nin to save you!"

"W-What?"

It's only then that I realize I'm surrounded by people.

It's only then that I realize they're all staring at me.

Civilians, medical-nin, shinobi, kunoichi, jonin, genin, chuunin alike.

All staring at me.

"What... what did I do?" I ask.

"You had changed all the way into... into some fox form that had eight tails," Mikoto replies. "You were big and strong enough to knock down the outer wall and destroy several buildings that were ringing the wall. You were going to enter the center when I finally got through to you."

"H-How many people did I... kill?" I'm backing away, away from the crowd, still staring at me. I'm behind my old friend now. They want their vengeance, don't they?

"I don't know how many. It's not looking good for some of the ones still alive," my old friend replies.

Should I just let them kill me?

But then... the Nine-Tails will just revive someday on its own, and it'll hunt down Konoha out of vengeance for being sealed. That's what will happen. That's what already happened.

If the Nine-Tails, fully unleashed, attacked Konoha...

There would be no way to stop it, and no one controlling it.

It would be my fault, _again_.

No. The only thing I can do for everyone here is to disappear. Disappear until it's time to pass the Nine-Tails onto another person. A person far more capable of accepting the responsibility, the power, and the bloodlust, than I will ever be.

Mikoto turns around. "Kushina! We don't want to kill you! Please, you don't need to run!"

It's like she can read my mind. But that was just Mikoto knowing me so well. We've been friends for so long. She knows how scared I am, how I have to feel.

I'm right by the village gate, right by where there's a massive cave-in. Must be by where I literally crashed in.

Mikoto frees her right hand and reaches it out to me. "Please, Kushina. Please don't run. I'll make sure everything is smoothed over for you. I'll make sure it's all fixed. Don't go."

Her words are so gentle, so kind. I can see the look in her dark eyes, no malice at all. She's my friend. My closest, most genuine friend, and I want to believe her. I want to believe her with all of my heart that she can somehow fix this.

Then it comes.

A sharp pain in my right shoulder. I look and I see a kunai buried in it. A little higher and a little more to my left and it would have gone right through my throat.

They’re attacking me. They’re already beginning to _attack_ me. The rage is building in the crowd, I can hear the angry voices rising into a sort of hellish cacophony. They know the same truth I do, that I should die for what I’ve done.

I can't help but cry as I yank the kunai out of my shoulder. Mikoto's already spun around, and I can hear Naruto wailing.

"Who threw that? What the _hell_ is wrong with you? She is my friend and I'm holding her baby!"

She's really trying to protect me. That's Mikoto for you.

But...

I can't stay here. What I've done is unforgivable.

I'm too much of a danger to everyone here. Mikoto could be the next one to die because of me, at the rate the crowd is getting louder and angrier.

And then Naruto. My child. He doesn't need to grow up knowing his mother's a monster. Or die here to please this mob.

Anything but that.

"Mikoto," I say with every bit of strength I have, "Please. Don't let anyone come after me. For your sake and Naruto's sake, let me go."

"Kushina, don't!" my old friend pleads as she spins around.

"Let me die alone, Mikoto," I say. "It's what I deserve."

Her dark eyes widen. "Kushina, wait! Please don't go! I promise I'll fix everything! Just trust me! Please!"

It's almost enough to make me stop.

Almost.

Despite the longing to collapse and cry in Mikoto Uchiha's arms, I force myself to turn around.

"Goodbye, Mikoto."

I run as Mikoto screams my name.

I ignore her.

I ignore my baby's cries.

I ignore the tears spilling from my eyes.

My lungs and my heart and my throat feel like they're going to implode. I force them to work anyway.

I run out of the village and down the trail, and then leap into the trees.

And I keep going.

\----------

I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I’ll go. I don’t know how long it’s been since I left.

I lie here in the mud, every miniscule ounce of energy spent, my red hair a tangled mess obscuring half of my vision. The rain falls ceaselessly, harshly, as if nature itself wants to drown me. 

I'm alone at last.

As I should be.

This is what I deserve. 

I’ve lost it all. My village, which I destroyed. My friends, who I betrayed. Minato, who is dead. And Naruto, my poor Naruto... 

My left hand lies limp in front of me, but it twitches at the thought of my newborn son, who I... I... 

I left behind. 

Naruto, my poor son. I’m even more pathetic than I thought. I left you to those _wolves_ , because I was so scared, so hopeless, so . . . 

I am not just a murderer. I will also go down in the annals of history as a coward. The worst murderer in Konoha’s history, and its biggest coward. 

That’s what I’ve become. The Hokage’s wife, in the end, is nothing but a monster who ran away, and abandoned her son to the same lonely, orphaned life that she lived as a child.  
\There is no fixing that. That’s my fate. In one night, the promising, beautiful life I thought was ahead of me has vanished with no traces of it left. 

And how can I go back? I can’t. Not after what I’ve done. Not after I’ve chosen to run. I am sure the ANBU have already been dispatched to hunt me down like a dog. I’m no longer a jonin of Konoha, not after running away. I’m a missing-nin, a traitor, and I will be treated like one if they catch me. 

My fate is to live alone, and to die alone. All I’ll ever have is... 

_Has it hit you yet, woman?_ the Nine-Tails growls at me. 

Hell. I’m in hell. 

My life has become hell. 

I don’t know if my eyes are blurry from the rain falling into them, or because of tears falling from them. I don’t know the difference anymore. I’m not so sure I should care.  
Minato, I’m sorry. 

I’m so sorry. 

It never should have come to this. It wouldn’t have if I had just stayed in control, if I had just saved Naruto like you asked. Instead...

Naruto, I’m sorry too. 

If you ever find out the truth, Naruto...

Hate me. Hate me for the coward that I am. Hate me for attacking the village, hate me for leaving you all alone, in a village that will refract their hate for me unto you. Hate me to the point where you never have the desire to seek me out. Don’t try to find your pathetic excuse of a mother. Let her die alone. 

After all, that’s what she deserves. As my sensei once said to me... 

_“Once you start thinking only about_ yourself, _yourself is all you’ll have.”_

I did not think of you, Naruto. I only thought about _myself_. Otherwise, I would have stayed. I would have stayed with you and weathered it all. 

And now, myself is all that I’ll ever have. 

Myself, the mud, and the rain. 

And the demon inside me, who must never come out again, no matter what the cost. 

_Now we are both prisoners, woman._

As it should be.

As it’ll always be. 

For my filthy, forsaken soul.


	2. Loner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't as significantly rewritten as the previous one. It plays out largely the same as the original version with some rewordings and a few small nips, tucks, and additions. 
> 
> More notes after the chapter.

### Chapter Two: Loner

I've lost count of all the years I've spent completely, utterly alone. At some point the passage of time began to blur. I'm like a shadow in this forest, spending days and nights here, completely self-sufficient. I've only ventured out of this forest a few times since I entered it, all for specific reasons, and I've returned back here undiscovered, like I never existed to begin with.

Exactly how I want it.

I can count all of the people who've walked by my cabin since I came out here. Sixteen. That's it. One of whom is the same person who I've seen, even talked to. She's just a merchant by the name of Tomoe, who uses the rough trail by where I live as her own private shortcut whenever she needs to go northwest and back again. She rarely travels to Konoha, though, so all I get from her is vague hearsay.

I still live in the Land of Fire, by the border of it, to be exact. As far away from Konoha as possible without completely abandoning the territory. At some point, I'm going to need a successor, someone who can withstand the Nine-Tailed Fox's power and not succumb the way I did when I attacked Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Chances are, I’ll find that successor in the Land of Fire.

But how? It's not like I can ever go back to Konoha. It's not my home anymore. It stopped being my home the moment I attacked them.

But I'm going to need to find someone with the Uzumaki bloodline, as the people of the scattered remnants of my clan are the best suitors for the beast. Alternatively, I have to find someone with the rich chakra reserves to withstand the demon and become empowered by the Nine-Tails, instead of being killed or absorbed by it. 

But for now, I don't worry about it that much. At some point, I will need to venture out into the world and find my successor as a jinchuuriki. Before it's too late. Before I die and the demon inside is once again reborn, independent and free, and seeks revenge on Konoha for imprisoning it within a human being.

When I don't hunt, I practice. Like I'm doing now. I teach myself _everything_ , what I can't learn from the few books I've been able to garner during my trip all the way out here. I never stop or "take a day off". I will be _perfect_ physically before I walk back out into the world and allow this cabin to be slowly absorbed back into the forest. The strongest, the smartest, the quickest I can possibly be.

But every now and then, I hear a clock ticking in the back of my head. I may not know how many years it's been since I fled Konoha, but I figure I have to be at least thirty. My time will soon run out and I _will_ need my successor.

The frustration from this knowledge causes me to lose my concentration, and the energy I was trying to build in my right hand falters and fizzes out. That's actually somewhat of a relief. I've had many practice runs where it simply blows up, injuring me badly. I have incredible healing powers thanks to the demon, but the pain just adds to how weary I feel spiritually, if not physically.

I can hear the Nine-Tails chuckle at me. It finds my failures amusing for whatever reason. It tries to make me think it's a relatable, conversational being, but I never believe it. I will not fall for it. Never again. I know that the Nine-Tailed Fox had influenced, if not completely empowered, my Konoha rampage, and all that proved is that I can't trust it. I will never be able to trust it.

I position myself again. I need to get all of the energy together. Just like how I saw Minato do it. It was something he had worked on his whole life, but he had never been able to completely finish it. But I had seen him work tirelessly on this move. I can finish what he started. If I can get it right, I will have my ultimate self-defense against anyone who tries to take the Nine-Tails.

C'mon. C'mon. Use my left hand to pool all of the energy. All of the force. Build it into a sphere, like I'm carving a clay pot. I've spent months, if not years, trying to get this right. I've made myself so strong that I _have_ to be able to withstand all of the turbulence and energy. I have to!

C'mon. Hold together. Hold together. Be a perfect sphere. Don't start getting lumpy. I don't need another explosion in my face. I have had _enough_ pain in my life.

 

I stop moving my left hand, and I look at the glowing sphere of energy. It looks stable, but that's been a false positive in the past. The moment I start moving, it falls out of my control or becomes dangerously unbalanced.

I look at a tree about ten yards in front of me. Its trunk is nice and thick. My perfect target.

Let's go. Take off at a run. And then _slam_ this sphere right into it!

Hold onto it. Keep it balanced. Keep it on my hand until the very last moment!

Five yards. Four. Three. I still have it! It's still on my hand! It's starting to grow a lump, but it hasn't come undone. I'm almost there!

Two yards! Close enough!

" _Rasengan_!"

The trickiest part of all. Keeping the sphere from falling off as I thrust my right arm forward. I move my arm as fast as I can and blast right into the tree trunk. The sphere hits the tree and _explodes_.

I close my eyes as splinters fly everywhere, and I feel more than one hit my body. The momentary pain is gone within seconds.

Okay. Did I do it? My arm doesn't feel like it's exploded along with the sphere. It doesn't hurt, at least. My right eye opens gingerly, and I look at my right arm.

It's still attached. No signs of it being blown off or vaporized. That's a good sign.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I fall to my knees and let myself be consumed by my exhaustion. Sweat pours down my brow and drips onto the blades of grass below my feet. It's taken me an hour of this session to get it right. Finally. After all of these weeks and months and years getting myself to this point, I am strong enough, and my memory clear enough, that I was able to use that incredible attack that Minato had worked so hard to create and never got to finish.

Minato, just a little more, and I will finish what you have started. This ultimate move. Your ‘Rasengan’.

My effort was imperfect, though, as I can see I've put in a massive dent into that tree, a mortal wound for the poor thing, but I didn't cleave it.

Now I need to refine it. Keep developing it until I can pull it off on demand. Repeatedly. I'm looking at another few weeks here at _least_.

But it's gratifying, in some small way. It's gratifying to know I succeeded in something.

And the demon does not chuckle at me. The beast is silent, perhaps even stunned. It probably never believed I would've been able to pull it off.

That's one small victory I have over it.

I force myself to stand up, and I brush off the dirt on my knees. It's time to head back, and just relax. I'm going to take the rest of the day off. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do _something_ , even if it's just reading Jiraiya's novel for the hundredth time. I wonder if he's written a sequel to _The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi_. Or created a different series or just a bunch of unrelated one-offs.

It's saddening that I do not know.

Almost as sad as walking home to a cabin filled with only necessities to survive and few comforts to remind me I'm alive.

I truly have become a shadow.

But a shadow of _what_?

\----------

I built the cabin myself, though I am not proud of it. It took me years to completely build this place, with a small entrance, a living room to the right, a kitchen in the back, and my bedroom beside the kitchen to the left. To the left after entering the cabin, there's my exercise room, used most often during the freezing winters when I try to limit my hours outside... as well as where I store my weapons, however few and improvised they are.

I still have the kunai that was thrown at me all of those years ago, even. I can barely stand to look at it. It's just a reminder of the pain I suffered that night, of the hatred and rage directed at me, justifiably, over what I did. I can’t stand being reminded of it, but at the same time, I can’t allow myself to forget. I must never forget that night, however much longer I survive. 

There is no joy in coming home. Just the mild relief that no assassin waits inside or outside my walls preparing to kill me.

Like every other day I come home, I can put the kunai I actually use away and take off my coat, and sit on my impoverished, imperfect, slightly leaning-to-the-left rocking chair, draped with a blanket that I knitted myself from cloth purchased from Tomoe, and just sit down.

I'm starting to get hungry. I still have some meat left over, in a small icebox that I once again purchased from Tomoe, so I'll be able to have a semi-decent stew tonight combined with the vegetables I've grown. I just wish I could make more broth, for a stew it was going to be surprisingly dry.

I'm running out of money. During my first years away from Konoha, before I wound up here, I did a bunch of odd and temporary jobs in disguise, intending to gather as much savings as possible. It was enough that I was able to buy some decent things from Tomoe, but every once in a while, I run too low for comfort, and I have to venture out into the world again to try to obtain some money. I'll barely have enough to buy anything more than a token amount of yarn when she comes through.

Yes. I'll definitely have to leave this place for a bit pretty soon.

The demon, that damned schemer, is chuckling at me again. I think about diving down, into myself, to interact with the beast, just so I can hear my own voice again. "Rasengan" is the only word I've spoken in the last three or four days.

No. No, I won't. I don't crave interaction enough to talk to a beast that seeks only to manipulate me and ultimately escape me. This is what I gave up, intentionally. I can't regret it. I can't. I've listened to that bastard's piercing, evil words too much-

_Even though you gave up Naruto?_

That bastard. I can hear the mischievous, condescending tone lurking underneath. It said that to hurt me.

And it always does. It always does.

Every time I think of Naruto, I always think of his face, seeing his face relax from his mouth open crying, to giving me the faintest of smiles before I left him. How old is he now? What is he doing? Does he think of me at all?

I put my hand to my mouth and try to stifle a sob as it tries to escape my throat. A couple of tears spill from my eyes and fall down my cheeks. I can't help it. Naruto, I still love you. I love you and I have yet to see you since the day you were born. You did not deserve this. You never deserved this.

Never deserved a dead father and a monster of a mother who abandoned you.

I don't know why I'm trying to hide my crying. There's no one here to witness it, other than the Nine-Tails who knows exactly how I feel and that's why it tortures me over it.

I sniff a few times and lean back, shifting my weight slightly to the right so my imperfect chair doesn't want to tip over and send me crashing to the ground. Maybe I should work on fixing this today, instead of resting. Or just build a new one from scratch. It'll take me a long time, but I've already spent a long time alone. What does ‘long’ mean to me anymore?

Then, I hear it.

A soft rustle out in the front.

I only have one window, by where I keep my rocking chair, and I quickly spring away, out of sight, grabbing my kunai on the way and stand right beside my door.

I hear a gruff female voice growl. "Damn it, Guy! She knows we're here now!"

"The mission said stealth for us is not a priority! This is not an assassination, after all! A real man does not sneak around a house belonging to someone he knows!" Might Guy's cocky, brash voice replies.

I know these people. It's made especially clear as I hear the dogs growling.

It's Tsume Inuzuka in addition to Might Guy and who knows what else.

Well, what do you know?

They finally found me.

Or finally cared enough to search for me.

They sound a little older too, though their voices are still recognizable. Especially Tsume. Her voice sounds like it has roughened considerably since the last time I had heard her.

I put my kunai away. I'm not going to kill them. I know these people. I'll just have to fight them and beat them down. Then I’ll walk away after subduing them. And then find an even more remote place, even if it is outside the Land of Fire.

"What are you doing?" Tsume asks as proud, thumping footsteps come closer to my door.

I know Might Guy. And what he's going to do.

"What I do best," Guy says.

"Oh no." Tsume sounds mortified.

"Time for a _dynamic entry_!" As he shouts this I hear a running start, and then a loud _bang_ as he kicks my door down... or rather, kicks the door all the way across the room until it slams into the wood at the back of the small entryway.

He's in mid-air. Exposed. Vulnerable.

His eyes widen and his mouth hangs open in shock as he sees me. I don't even give him enough time to land on the ground before I attack.

I grab him by the shoulders and then slam him to the ground, then pick him up and slam him the other direction, and then repeat that one more time apiece. Then I pin him against the wall, uppercut him, spin him around so his back is facing me, and then kick him into my living room. He flies headfirst into my rocking chair, shattering it in the process, and then smacks right into the wooden logs that make up my wall and falls down flat on his stomach.

His reaction to it all is unsurprisingly succinct. "Ow."

I hear Tsume's dogs, and I turn back around. They're almost on top of me.

Hurting animals isn't something I like doing, but I don't have a choice. I'm about to kick the first of Tsume's dogs when I hear another familiar voice.

"Everyone, _stop_!"

Mikoto Uchiha. Her voice hasn't changed in all of these years.

Tsume immediately shouts "Heel! Both of you!"

The dogs were literally a second from attacking me. They remain in attack position, and growl, but they don't do anything more than that.

Mikoto runs past Tsume and steps in-between the two dogs in front of me. "Kushina! Kushina, stop! They're not here to kill you!"

"They're not?" I ask.

Mikoto takes another step forward. "That's why they brought me along. To prove that you're not going to die here or when we bring you back to Konoha. We're just here to bring you home, that's all. It's time you went back."

"You're serious."

Mikoto smiles. "Of course I'm serious. I'm your friend, Kushina. We're here to bring you back home to Konoha... and to Naruto."

She means it. She really means it. Just by the way she said Naruto's name.

Just like all of those years ago, when she pleaded me to trust her. And I didn't.

Maybe I should...

"I see." My voice sounds so soft.

Mikoto smiles awkwardly. "So you didn't need to attack Guy like that."

"Guy didn't need to kick my door open," I reply.

Tsume sighs. "Guy does what Guy does. Let me see if he needs medical attention."

"I am perfectly fine!" Guy says from behind me.

I turn around, and I see his face, covered in marks that would undoubtedly become bruises, grinning at me with a missing gap in his teeth. His right hand is in the air, giving us all a thumbs-up. "It's beautiful when a woman can kick my ass."

His eyes roll back into his head. "Darrrr..." 

He falls backward, limp.

Tsume sighs again. "I see my assumption is correct. Stand aside so I can give this idiot some first aid."

I let Tsume and her dogs go, and then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I nearly strike, but I know it's Mikoto and I force myself to hold back. I'm not going to hurt her. I won't live with myself if I harm my best friend, who had ordered the Uchiha clan to heal me even after my attack on the village.

The woman who had found my son and showed him to me so I would stop killing people.

The one person who tried with all of her heart to persuade me to stay.

I will never hurt her.

Mikoto smiles at me warmly. "Please. It's time we got re-acquainted. Let Tsume tend to Guy's injuries. Where's a place to sit down?"

"I have a small table in the kitchen. There's only one chair, though. I never expected to have any company ever again," I reply.

Mikoto nods. "It's okay. That'll work fine. Come on." She walks ahead, into my kitchen, and I follow her.

\----------

I stand over the stove, trying to make my beef stew as Mikoto sits down at my lone chair. As I expected, not enough material was left to make a decent broth, so the concoction was going to be too dry, but it's the best I can do on my limited resources. 

I'm not the cook I once was. Food is food to me. There's no joy in preparing it or eating it anymore, not like when Minato would praise me whenever I made him something and tell me it was the best thing he had ever tried.

"How long has it been?" I finally ask as I stir.

"Eight years," Mikoto says.

I nearly drop my utensils into the stew. "That long?"

I turn back at Mikoto, and she nods. "Naruto's eighth birthday was last week. We were hoping to find you and bring you back home before, but you were harder to track than we anticipated. There weren't many leads on you, that was for sure. We were lucky that Tsume's dogs caught your scent when we were on the outskirts of this forest, or we would have never found you."

Naruto. Eight years old. Already. At least he's still alive. It was a fear that I refused to think about, that Naruto might die while I was gone. I wouldn't give the Nine-Tails any more ammunition to torture me even more, so I just plain would not think about it. Knowing that my fear was baseless is a relief nevertheless, but it just makes me want to cry again.  
Mikoto had to have adopted him. There was no way she'd have let Naruto be raised without parents. The thought of my son as a Uchiha seemed odd, but it was a much better fate than growing up alone. Besides, Mikoto has a son around Naruto's age, Sasuke, himself just a baby when I left Konoha. Naruto and Sasuke would make good playmates, wouldn't they?

"How's Naruto been?" I ask, knowing the answer will inevitably make me cry but I have to ask anyway.

Mikoto's face falls, and my stomach immediately feels like churning over. "No. No, Mikoto. What's going on? What's Naruto been-"

Mikoto's dark eyes seemed to shimmer as she looked right at me. "Kushina, I'm sorry. I would have cared for Naruto, but my husband wouldn't let me! Neither would the clan. They didn't want an outsider baby, especially the child of someone who killed members of the Uchiha Clan, cared for by an Uchiha!"

No. No, this isn't right. This isn't right at all. This sounds _horrible_. And...

And Mikoto had just confirmed my worst fears, a fact I had always known but wouldn't believe in, not completely. People _had_ died on that night. And I'm sure this wasn't just restricted to the Uchiha clan!

"How many did I kill?" I ask, trying to keep my tears from falling in front of her. I don't want to break down. Not in front of Mikoto.

"We were the hardest hit of all of the clans that night," Mikoto replies. "We lost at least a quarter of the Uchiha clan in the battle. I'm sorry, Kushina. You killed a total of two hundred people, Uchiha and otherwise, in Konoha that night. Many more were wounded, and some have died from their injuries over the years."

All those . . . all those lives. Not to mention the monsters who had originally taken Naruto away. That just makes the death toll even _bigger_.

Now I really _do_ drop my utensils, and I grip my hands on the nearby table, trying to keep my balance. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mikoto. I didn't mean to do it. You have to believe me!"

"Kushina, it's all right. You know I don't blame you. Some in Konoha do, but I don't," Mikato says, trying to give me a reassuring smile, but I can see the nervousness in her eyes. 'Some' meant 'the majority' at the very least.

She gets up and walks over to me and wraps her arms around me. "Something tells me you haven't had a lot of these over the last eight years," Mikoto says.

"No." As the thought hits me over how long it's been since I've last been embraced, it makes me feel something I had managed to keep at bay for all of these years.

Loneliness.

"Not a single one," I choke out as my throat closes up and my vision mists.

"It's okay," Mikoto whispers softly. "It's okay."

I want to just cry into her shoulder, but I know I can't. Naruto stays fully in my mind. I can't cry. Not yet. Not until I know about Naruto. "Naruto. Where's Naruto? How's he been?"

"He's a troublemaker," says that gruff, husky voice of Tsume.

I look up and to my left, and there she is, on the edge of my kitchen. "He's been nothing but an obnoxious brat running around playing stupid tricks on anyone stupid enough to fall for them."

"Tsume! Don't say that!" Mikoto exclaims.

"She needs to know exactly why we're bringing her back to Konoha!" Tsume shouts, and Mikato clings to me, just a little. Tsume frightens Mikoto in some small way, I sense.

"And it got worse," Tsume said, her right hand clenching into a fist. I can’t help but envision her squeezing Naruto like a giant boa constrictor in that hand.

When I pictured that, I immediately wanted to attack her. I force myself not to. If I fought Tsume, it wouldn't solve anything. I'd beat her and probably kill her dogs, and where would that get any of us?

"What has Naruto been doing?" I ask.

Tsume just chuckles bitterly. I know what's coming before Tsume can say it. 

“No one wants to care for Naruto. He’s been mostly on his own since he was six. The Hokage has tried to assign people to be his caretaker, but it never lasts, especially since he’s just been a little hooligan who drives everyone insane. The boy could be something but he’s just wasting what he has on stupid pranks.” 

There’s a stabbing pain in my heart as she says this, and also, the first semblance of anger I have felt since eight years ago. She’s talking about my son like he’s little more than a snot-nosed _punk_ who deserves what’s coming to him! 

“Tsume, stop!” Mikoto cries. 

Mikoto doesn’t need to try to intervene for my sake. I get it. Truly, I do. I almost want to laugh. Of course they wouldn’t come out here for the good of the village, or for my sake. 

"You people believe Naruto has potential, but he needs discipline, discipline from a parent. That's why you came all this way."

The selfish reason behind all of this is almost as heartbreaking as knowing Naruto was causing trouble. "You didn't come and get me because you want me or forgive me. You only seek me out to bring Naruto under control. That's all, isn't it?"

Mikoto lets go of me and gets between me and Tsume, and looks at me in the eye. "Please, Kushina. Naruto needs his mother. He's good-natured, I know he is, but he desperately wants attention. People ignore him and isolate him, Kushina. Tsume isn't telling you the full story. She's just being cruel and blunt because that's how she is."

Tsume makes an uncomfortable grunting noise and begins scratching the back of her head. "You don't need to put it like _that_..."

The reasoning, even when dressed up like Mikoto just did, is still so selfish it's sickening. But, at the same time, to return to Konoha for _any_ reason, just to be with my son, even though I've missed the first eight years of his life...

"Please, Kushina. It’s not just about Naruto, despite what Tsume says. Yes, Naruto needs you. But the _village_ needs you too. You're our jinchuuriki. Our protector," Mikoto says, her hands folded in front of her. She's begging me.

I can't stand to see my old friend beg.

And I can't stand to just _hear_ about my son. I need to see him. Perhaps it's nostalgia or something else, but the reappearance of an old friend and a pair of acquaintances in my life just makes me want to go home.

It tells me that I'm terrible at being a loner.

"Please come home," Mikoto says.

I can only think of Naruto, cradled in that blanket in Mikoto's arms eight years ago. Listening to them, if Naruto is lonely and isolated, and is acting out just to get attention, that is my fault as well. I'm the one who made sure that would happen because Naruto's the son of a murderer. Who wants to pay attention to the son of a woman who let her inner demon take her over and attack Konoha?

I can't blame Naruto for this at all. In the end, it is all my fault.

And the only way to even remotely fix this is to...

"Mikoto," I finally say. I try to force a smile. The first smile in such a long time. I've almost forgotten how and I'm sure it looks painful and false, but I need to. I absolutely need to smile. For not only their sakes, but for mine.

"I understand. Please take me home."

Mikoto's eyes light up and she runs forward, embracing me once again. It’s tighter, more longing, this time. "Thank you, Kushina. Thank you."

I want to say "you're welcome", but my throat is constricted again, and I can't say a word in response.

But a realization comes to me. For once, it is a beautiful one.

I don't need to say anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea is to channel something I've noticed with Uzumakis. They are generally a joyful, quirky people, but when it's beaten out of them they are despairing and seek nothing more but to force their despair onto others. 
> 
> The idea is that while Kushina hasn't fallen into despair as much as Nagato has, the implication is that she eventually could if pushed just a little further. And now she has to decide whether to fall the rest of the way or instead try to restore herself. 
> 
> It was also important to me to show Mikoto's friendship with Kushina. Mikoto sadly was a bit of a blank apron in canon so in a way it's almost like working with an OC. How do I build Mikoto into a layered character? This chapter is meant to start laying the groundwork for that, especially in regards to what's going to happen later. 
> 
> But perhaps I am saying too much...


	3. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a major turning point in the story. I've always felt I didn't pull this off as well as I could have. Especially as the thought of a scene like what you'll be reading was the inspiration for the story in the first place. 
> 
> I hope it reads well anyway...

### Chapter Three: Homecoming

It's the middle of the night when we make it back to Konoha, after about two weeks' worth of brisk traveling. The wall has been repaired, looking like I had never touched it at all.

I can only see some of the buildings through the entrance into Konoha, but it doesn't look like it's changed, not even a tiny bit.

"Finally," Tsume says. "Home at last. Our first S-ranked mission is complete, Guy. How do you feel?"

"I still can't feel my face," Guy moans. His face, along with other parts of his body, had swelled up and bruised.

"Sounds perfect to me. I'm outta here. C'mon, boys," Tsume says to her dogs, and they bark and they follow her into the village, and they both vanish.

I turn to Mikoto. "Wait, _I_ was an S-ranked mission?"

"There was the _slim_ possibility that you would attack us," Mikoto says, a weird little smile crossing her face.

"I bet Kakashi that I would make it through unscathed. Now I owe him a hundred bowls of ramen," Guy said. "Now I need to see if I even have enough money for that."

He chuckles. "But that is the kind of bet a man has just got to make."

He raises his right arm and gives me a thumbs-up with that confident smile, and I hear an odd _crack_ sound.

"Ow." His left arm reaches and grabs his back. "I'm okay. I'm just... I'm just gonna go home now."

He limps away into the village.

I had done some _serious_ injuries to him, and Tsume suspected it would take at least another week for Guy's face to return to normal. The only injury that had been fixed right away was a separated shoulder. Everything else? Not really. Especially, as Tsume told me, Guy's legendary ego.

He was probably going to train even harder at taijutsu in order to make sure that what I had done to him couldn't happen again. In a way, I hope he will. That way all of the pain I've given him can ultimately mean something. Humiliating the poor man isn't something I'm proud of, even if Tsume and Mikoto both find it privately amusing.

"There's one thing that surprises me," I say.

"Yes?" Mikoto asks.

"I'm surprised it was just three of you for an S-ranked mission. Especially you, Mikoto, who's no longer active. Wouldn't it be considered kind of unnecessarily risky?" 

"Not really," Mikoto says, smiling mysteriously. She leans in next to my ear and whispers. "Look up at the trees by the wall."

I do, and I can just make out dark shapes moving from the trees, leaping onto the wall and into the village. Just barely blotting out the stars in the sky.

Now I can't help but smile, albeit resignedly. No wonder. We had been watched the whole time by the ANBU.

"Just you three _and_ the guards, right?" I ask.

"Basically every member of the ANBU Black Ops that were available," Mikoto replies, giving me an awkward little grin. "It was difficult finding people who wanted to take the mission on. Tsume took it because I think she's honestly fearless and Guy... well, probably because of pride. And bragging rights. Though I don't think he has much to brag about if he has to buy Kakashi a hundred bowls of ramen."

Kakashi Hatake. Ramen. Might Guy. Mikoto Uchiha. Tsume Inuzuka. ANBU Black Ops. All of these names, all of these terms. I never thought I would hear them ever again.

My stomach growls at the mere _thought_ of ramen. I haven't cooked it in such a long time, I never had the noodles. I wonder if I still can.

Maybe I'll cook Naruto some. Maybe that'll be our first meal together. I wonder if he likes it. If he has anything from me in there, he’ll like it. Even if I mess it up, he will.

The thought of doing that filled me with something I can't describe, something warm and comforting and nostalgic. "Love" doesn't describe it at all. Neither does "compassion". Or "yearning". It's something beyond anything that mere words can describe.

I just want to see him. I want to find him and hold him in my arms and tell him he will never be alone again.

Will he be happy to see me? Will he be ambivalent? Will he reject me?

Oh no.

What if he rejects me? I haven't even thought about that possibility.

My whole body tenses up as it finally occurs to me that Naruto _might not be happy to see me_.

"Is something wrong?" Mikoto asks.

"No," I say, even though I know my voice is clearly revealing the lie. "Just take me to wherever Naruto lives."

"All right," Mikoto says softly. "He lives in a small apartment. Follow me. It's not a long walk."

"Sounds good, Mikoto," I reply.

Mikoto smiles at me. "Not a problem."

She pauses as she turns around. "By the way, thank you for trusting me this time."

She begins walking briskly, probably to not alarm the gate guards, and I follow her, hoping the gate guards won't recognize me.

The words I could not find back at the cabin finally make it to the tip of my tongue.

"You're welcome, Mikoto."

If any of those guards know me personally, they must have recognized my voice just now.

Just let me see Naruto first before word gets out that I'm here.

That's all I'm asking for.

It can't be too much.

Can it?  
\----------  
Naruto's apartment is close to the top of a white building, and after rounding a staircase that seemed to go on forever, Mikoto sighs softly. "Don’t get the wrong idea about Naruto’s lifestyle. Jiraiya has been sending a portion of his book royalties to support him. Naruto has never been homeless, and he wouldn’t be lacking for money if he didn’t have to keep paying people for the things he breaks."

Knowing this just fills me with more guilt. It's just more knowledge of how badly I failed my son. This isn't what my husband would have wanted at _all_. He would have wanted something much, much better for Naruto, with or without him. 

And Jiraiya... that old..

No. I can't break down. Or get angry. Not here. Not when I'm so close to finally seeing my child again.

I stare at the door, specifically at the door knob. How is it that I can just attack Might Guy and beat him up without a second thought, and then be so afraid of talking to a _child_? What does that make me?

"Do you want me to knock?" Mikoto asks after a moment.

"No. I will," I say. I stare at the door one more time, then walk forward. I have to do this. I will never be able to be Naruto's mother if I can't even knock on the door he's behind.

So I do. _Thunk thunk thunk_.

A solid wood sound. At least the door seems sturdy.

But there's nothing. Not a sound. Just complete, total silence.

Mikoto sighs. "Naruto can sleep through a war. You _really_ need to make some noise most of the time."

"All right." Making a racket isn't something I really want to do right now, but... my son is worth it. Seeing him at long last will be worth making noise.

So I hit the door _hard_ , holding back just enough so I don't put a dent into it. _THUMP THUMP THUMP_.

A groggy, childish voice. "Agh! I'm coming, I'm coming, hang on a sec! Don't knock down the door, I'm sick 'n' tired of replacing it!"

That’s his voice. Has to be. 

My heart is aching so much it wants to stop. What am I going to do when he opens the door? Will I be able to say anything at all? 

Shivers are going down my spine. I’m _scared_. Legitimately frightened of seeing my child. 

What is wrong with me? Why? Why does an eight-year-old unnerve me so much, make my hands and arms shake, send the impulse in my brain to _run_?

That isn’t me. That’s never been me or what I stand for. So why now?

The door opens then, a soft _creak_ that penetrates the outside and the cold air. I look down, and see the child rubbing his eyes with his left hand, looking like the most exhausted little boy in the world.

That's him.

He's eight years older but it is undoubtedly him.

His blue eyes have not changed a bit, and his hair is exactly like Minato's, blonde and spiky. He seems to have some dark whisker lines on his fairly round face, and he has a mischievous, bright look about him without even trying. Wearing dark pants and a gray shirt, he finishes rubbing his eyes and then stares at me, a puzzled expression on his face. 

I have no idea what to say. 

My throat just will not open. I force it to open, but my voice can only manage a throaty croak. My lungs don't seem to be working either, it's getting so hard to breathe. "So you're Naruto."

He folds his arms, looking at me like I’m just some crazy person, or a drunk. I don’t blame him. "That's right. Naruto Uzumaki."

That's my maiden name. He's taken on my maiden name. Hearing that family name makes the pressure around my heart and lungs even stronger, and my vision blurs. I truly am looking at my child, my innocent, sweet child, who has never gotten to know me.

“I-I see.” 

God, I wish I could say something else. Anything else. Anything that would be better, or come close to showing how I feel. But the words just aren’t coming. There’s too much emotion, too much pain, too much of _everything_ swirling inside me like a hurricane trying to escape confinement, for me to say anything that comes close to how I feel right now.

Naruto scratches his head. "So who are you, lady? Never seen ya before."

Words a child should never say to his parent. _So who are you?_

Hearing that wipes the smile right off my face, and my heart genuinely does feel like it's going to explode. I put my hand over my heart, and try to breathe. Why? Why did he have to say _that_? Of course, he doesn't genuinely know me. He's never seen me before. Probably doesn't even have a photograph. He's had no family his whole life. He's desired attention and love and no one else gave it to him.

He reminds me of...

Me. When I was his age, I was the exact same way. So blunt, so forceful, on the borderline of insensitive.

He inherited his father's looks but my childhood personality. Somehow... that makes sense. I don't know how but it does. It just does not surprise me.

"It's okay," I force out.

Naruto looks up at me, his bright blue eyes in surprise. The poor boy’s noticed I’m crying. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to, well, I mean..."

"It's not your fault," I say. 

Now. Finally, after all this time, I'm figuring out what to say. It's taking so much effort to tell him, but I know what I have to tell him, and how to tell it. I just needed them to give me the ideal opening. 

"It's not your fault, Naruto. You... you haven't done anything wrong. I-It's me. I'm the one who made the mistake, N-Naruto."

I sniff, trying to give myself more air. My throat's so choked up that I can't talk. This emotion that I can't express has basically become my entire being right here and now, and I know that it is some sort of love for the child in front of me.

"Naruto, I . . . I am . . ."

I just want to fall to my knees and sob in front of him but I can't. I can't! I'm so close! Come on! Don't do this to yourself right now! Do not beat yourself up! He needs to hear this! He needs to know! He _must_!

I take a big, gulping breath. "Naruto, I am your mother!"

His blue eyes, so reminiscent of Minato, widen.

Naruto and I stare at each other, and I blink away as many tears as possible. I can't have my vision blur. Not right now. I have to see my son as clearly as possible.

"W-What?" Naruto finally asks me, backing away a step.

I can't stand up anymore. I can't. I've already been leaning on the entrance to this apartment for support, and I just fall to my knees. "Naruto, I'm your mother. My name is Kushina Uzumaki. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Please, Naruto. Please let there be forgiveness in your heart. Please don't hate me. Please don't yell at me. I know I deserve it but please don't. I just want to show you how much I love you, the spitting image of the man I loved and married.

Please. Please.

He’s backing away. He’s _backing away_ from me. 

No. Naruto, don’t run away. Please don’t. Don’t do this to me. This isn’t what I wanted. 

“Are... are you afraid of me?”

He shakes his head, looking at me like I’ve transformed into the Nine-Tails in front of him. He backs up against the armrest of his couch, his shaky hands gripping it as if his life depends on it, like it’s a life raft in a violent ocean. "Are you..? You can't be... I thought... I thought..."

"Naruto, I'm sorry! I'm here for you now! Count on it! I won't do this to you ever again, I promise!"

The words just come out of me in a flood, choked up and blubbering and sobbing. I can't hold myself together any longer. Not in front of him. Not in front of my only child. The only thing I have left of Minato, the only person in this entire village who I can legitimately say is part of my family. It's so clear to me now how empty I have made my life, without him, without this village, without people.

I reach my left hand out to him. Please don’t go. Please don’t run. I’m right here. Don’t go… and leave me here, with nothing. 

My throat doesn't want to work. Breathe, Kushina. Breathe. Force the words out, even if it sounds more like air than your voice.

"I love you, Naruto."

My child begins to softly cry, tears appearing in his blue eyes reminiscent of his father. He wants to believe. Believe I'm real. Believe that this is not a lie. Believe with all of his heart and soul that this is not some sort of cruel trick.

It's okay, Naruto. Believe. I'm right here. Just a bit closer. Believe just enough to come forward. 

There’s nothing to be afraid of. 

He sniffs as he tries to hold back the tears in his eyes, but I can see them glisten in the low room light as they're streaming down his cheeks. "Where... where have you been... Mom..."

"Come here. Please, Naruto, come here." I reach out with both hands. 

You can do it. I know you can. 

He staggers away from the couch, almost like he’s going to fall forward. All of the strength is gone from his legs, it is only his will that makes him continue to stand. 

He stumbles towards me and then falls, but my body moves on its own, as if on sheer instinct. I grab him just as he would have hit the ground face-first and pull him towards me. I hold him tightly, wrapping him the warmth of my embrace. His arms wrap around me in turn, his hands sifting through my long hair, pulling on it, stroking it.

"I'm here. It's okay, Naruto, I'm here. I love you. I love you so much."

He's so warm. So soft. So gentle. My poor child, why did I do this to you? How can you just accept me after what I've done?

I'm never doing this to you again. No matter what happens to me, no matter how people treat me because of eight years ago, I'm staying right here. I promise, Naruto, I promise with all of my heart!

"What did I do?" Naruto softly, finally, asks me, his voice muffled due to his head being on my shoulder. "Mom, did I do something wrong? Did I make you go away?"

Does he really blame himself? Really? Does he think it's his own fault I haven't been there for him? Is that how he feels?

No, no, he can't feel that way. It's not his fault at all. He was just a baby! He never did anything to deserve this loneliness and abandonment! Not when he was just a few hours old when it all happened!

"It's not your fault," I tell him. "It's not your fault. It's _never_ been your fault, Naruto."

I hold him even tighter and kiss him on the top of his spiky-haired head. I can't say anything else. I just can't. Nothing can accurately explain how I feel or why I left him behind. It's just become so clear, so obvious, that what I had done was something so completely _asinine_. My stupid decision left Naruto lonely and without anyone who cared for him or gave Naruto a purpose.

Just like after I had attacked Konoha, those same four words pop into my head. _What have I done_?

Except I know the answer unequivocally this time. I abandoned my son.

"Why, Mom?" Naruto finally asks. "Why haven't you been here? Everyone acts like you're _dead_."

He does not dance around the question. It's clear that being blunt and to-the-point is in his nature. It's admirable, and also disconcerting. I don't know what's the best answer to give him, but to answer wrongly is to risk losing my son all over again.

Everything he feels is justified. It was abandonment. But can I really tell him the truth? That I have a demon inside me?

I just don't know what to do.

"It's my fault," I finally say. "I made a _big_ mistake, and... and I thought I should leave. Please, Naruto. Please forgive me. I just..."

And then the entire moment is shattered like a dream. A new, male voice from behind us 

"Mikoto Uchiha! Mikoto Uchiha! I was told you might be here! Mikoto Uchiha!" 

"Yes, I'm here!" 

I turn around, still holding Naruto with my hands, and I see Mikoto Uchiha, her eyes wide with surprise, staring at a Leaf jonin right outside the door. 

The Leaf jonin began speaking. "Mikoto Uchiha, something horrible has happened to the Uchiha clan! They've all been..." 

He turns, and he sees me and Naruto. "Holy... Lady Kushina? You've returned?" 

Mikoto, however, isn't having any of the jonin's attention deficiencies. She walks right up to the jonin, grabs him by his flak vest's collar, and pulls him right in front of her face. "Don't do this to me! What happened? What happened to my _family_? Answer me!" 

"The Uchiha clan... they're all... they've all been killed!" the jonin says. 

Mikoto's eyes widen to the point where they nearly eject from their sockets. Her voice becomes soft, so soft it is almost air with a slight accent of her voice. "No. No. No. No way. It can't. No. No." 

She charges out of sight, knocking the jonin out of her way and into the wall. I immediately let go of Naruto and run to the edge of the hallway, just to see Mikoto about to exit the apartment. 

In desperation, I yell at her. "Mikoto! Stop! It's too dangerous! Don't go!" 

She stops, just for a second, and then turns and looks at me. 

Her face looks like it's going to crack and shatter. Her lips are trembling, her eyes are twitching and on the verge of misting over, and her body is shaking like she has been drenched in freezing water. "I-Itachi... S-Sasuke... I... I can't... I can't stay!" 

And then she's gone, vanishing into the night. 

"I'll catch up to her!" the male jonin yells and he leaps over Anko's sofa and follows Mikoto outside. 

I can’t let Mikoto go off alone. Not into . . . the _impossibility_ that just happened. I can’t! 

Just as I begin to leave, I feel someone tugging on my clothes and I turn and see Naruto there, his free hand wiping his eyes. "Please don't go. Not again, Mom. Please." 

Immediately, I have an impossible choice. I know full well why Naruto is asking me this. I have only just returned to him, and his fear is justified and genuine. What if I really don't come back? What if I die or decide to vanish again? What would _that_ mean? 

But at the same time, Mikoto is my friend. My childhood friend. She came all the way out despite being a civilian, despite the risk, to find me and bring me back here. She saved Naruto during my rampage back in Konoha, and risked her own demise to snap me out of my rage and to seize control of my body back. She was the first, perhaps the _only_ person who was willing to defend me that night. 

I can't just let her face whatever's slaughtered her family alone. 

It breaks my heart to see my son and his tearful blue eyes staring up at me with so much hope, yet so much _pleading_. I’ve promised him the world with just that one hug. And here I go, going to break it already. 

I can’t let Mikoto rush off into danger and possible death. Especially as I have never seen that male jonin in my life. Something’s wrong. But Naruto... 

I bend down to his level and put my hand on his face and stroke it, including on those whisker-like marks he has on his cheeks. "Naruto. I'm not going anywhere, all right? I will return. I'm not leaving you. As long as you're here, I will be here too. All right?" 

Naruto's eyes are clearly watering, but Naruto manages to nod, but as he blinks a tear runs down his cheek and drips into my hand. I take my hand off his cheek, and I can't help but stare at the tear as it continues to run down my hand. When it finally reaches my palm, I make my hand become a fist, keeping it locked nice and tight. It will dry, but it will be a part of me. A reminder of the promise I am making. 

"I won’t leave you ever again," I say. 

Naruto looks up at me, his eyes shimmering. All I want to do is hold him, but I force myself to turn away. If I keep looking at Naruto, I’ll never be able to help Mikoto. 

I force all of my emotions down. I have to focus. Naruto is safe here. It’s Mikoto who’s in danger right now. 

I lost both my son and my best friend for eight years. I’ll be damned if Mikoto is taken from me on the same night she brings me back to my child. 

"Stay here. I'll be right back," I say, and then I begin running, and then I jump on the roof and begin traveling through the village, heading right for the Uchiha enclave in one of the corners of Konoha. 

I may be running, but I'm not going to run away. Not this time. 

I'm going to run _towards_ something. 

Towards my old friend Mikoto and whatever she is about to face. 

I won't run away from him ever again, or my village, or from the people I know. 

But not just for her. Naruto too. 

It's no longer an option. 

And, as it's clear now, it never _should_ have been an option to begin with. 

I've had enough of running away. 


End file.
